he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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