You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
