I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
