I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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