My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
