I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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