The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
