best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
