Cold hands, warm shart.
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
