woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
