You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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