Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
