Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
