I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
