i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
