I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
