I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
