I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
