Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
