My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
