im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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