atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
