I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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