Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
