drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
