Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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