he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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