Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
