dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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