I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
