Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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