i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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