sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
