tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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