Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
