Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
we made out on top of his cat.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
