i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
