I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Randomize
