I accidentally had phone sex last night
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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