We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Randomize
