Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
