She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
