I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
