so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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