at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
