My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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