I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
