Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
