if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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