I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
