how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
