im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize