Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
