I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
ugly people sure do ruin things
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Randomize
