dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
