Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
