taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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