Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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