i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i think i have two assholes
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize