why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
