This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize